Bfday

Today is my birthday. That's right the anniversary of my entrance into this world.
I have gotten so many txt messages from my friends that my phone almost died and is currently resting on the charger, gearing up for the night ahead. In about half an hour I am to meet up with them at the Hood. I am so anxious I feel sick. I know I should be happy and excited but my nerves are shot. I don't know why or what to do about it. I am not comfortable no matter how many times I change my clothes. Nothing fits right, nothing feels right. I want to go, I want to have fun but this feeling in my gut and the shaking of my hands makes it hard to get ready. Hard to take those first steps out the door. I have hung out with these people more times than I can count and trust them with my life but I can't even make it to the front door.

not likely

the words
these things
these important things that I want to tell you
want to divulge to you
but can't
never ever

so many things have been confused
so many
so many things that
so many things that from the beginning of this evening to the end
sentences meant for you and only you have been convoluted
convoluted and confused
mixed in and lost
lost in the lyrics
of this popular song
never to be heard again
instead these sugar coated phrases grace your ears
any you enjoy what's being sung,
without ever knowing what has been sacrificed for it.

I f*ing love this song

My birth

so, for anyone following this rant
Kerry and I are planing something
something that involves costumes
and music

I hope those invited can come
can participate
without prejudice
and enjoy themselves
as I would like to enjoy myself
and hope you would enjoy yourselves too!

social

lately, i have been much more socially anxious than ever before
I am afraid to hang out
to talk to
to converse with
the people I have known for years
I am not sure why this is
and I don't know what to say
so then I focus on that
and never come to a reasonable conclusion
as to why so I don't do anything
so instead I sit at home
and try and make it till the next day

7th

Today marks the seventh day
the seventh pill
tomorrow I get bumped up to 20mg.
one week down
several left to go

Goodbye

Oh alcohol, you've burned me for the last time.

Sing

Sing
that song
the one you didn't think I was aware of.

Cruel

I can be Cruel, I don't know why. . . . . . .

the grass

Is truly greener on the other side of the globe.

Coffee

Woah, too much.

I have a 5 cup brewing pot.

I don't have a way of measuring out enough for less than 5 cups and I don't like being wasteful so naturally I have to drink all 5 cups. Not a good idea. That shite made me jittery and slightly sick. next time, less coffee less water. I need to figure out the coffee to water ratio for 2 to 3 cups. Just enough to get me awake and fully functional, not crazy and hyper.

On the lighter side, the new Yeasayer is perfect for slightly hyper.

give it a whirl

Try GeneCo's day and nighttime forms of Zydrate

Follow up

The pill only knocked me out for about 6 hours. No strange dreams, no inappropriate reactions downtown, nothing but 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Don't feel any better though, I eneded up partially sleeping for another 5 hours and now having over slept I feel sleepy all over again. I think its time I brewed a fresh pot of joe took a shower and got on with my day.

Sleep

So tonight I decided I would bite the bullet and try my new sleep med; Trazodone. I have been apprehensive of taking it as one possible side effect is prolonged inappropriate excitement in my undercarriage . Now you may think how could that be a bad thing? Well it's a bad thing when you have to be taken to the hospital and have it drained and it possibly causes you to become impotent. Now with these kind of side effects why would anyone even want to think about taking one. I thought I would give it a shot because my doctor said the chance of it happening is very very small. She has hundreds of male patients and none of them have ever had that kind of reaction. I figure my luck can't be so bad that it happens to me.

(as I am writing this I can feel it kick in and it's getting harder to remember words or what I was going to say)

((spell check makes this blog seem like I know how to))

Day three, I'll be your Huckleberry......

Nothing new here, I have been told it takes 4 to 8 weeks for me to start feeling different. I don't know if its healthy to keep track of things this way but I want to for something to do. I have a little pocket calendar/journal that I am going to start using while I am at work.

day two

today is day number two of me taking my new medication. . . . . . Prozac.

in 8 to twelve weeks i should feel different. I should feel normal, that is if it is working.

I have always been somewhat self aware, more so recently. though, others may not understand, may not get how I am feeling, things are different now. Part of me feels alone. part of me feels connected to some. I feel over analytical of things I do or say. every emotion and action is under personal scrutiny. I am sorry if you don't get it, I can't make you get it, I can't make you understand the things I am thinking, the worries I have, the apprehensions I feel. I have said and done things recently that I wish others could understand and know weren't personal.

I want to be like you, to be free to enjoy things, life, and such. I truly don't know how, and now I know that it may not be entirely my fault.

I have been fighting for years, trying to fool myself that I can do the things you do, enjoy the things you enjoy, feel the things you feel.

Only to be let down and to let you down time and time again.

Honestly part of me wants to tell you all to fuck off and leave me alone to wallow in self pity.

Part of me wants to let you know that someday I want to value myself and I want to be whole.

I don't know how to explain it to those that have known me for a while. things have changed in how I think, and how I react to things. I cannot say when it happened for sure. It was so subtle to me, a douchy comment here, an asinine comment there, and here we are. Or maybe I have always been like this and just never realized it myself. Maybe I haven't changed at all.

All I want is to be like you.