10 10 10

So today is the end of the tenth day, four more days and I am up to 30mg!

I saw my doc yesterday and got prescribed a sleeping pill that I will try in the next couple of days. I know, why not try it today? Well I am off tomorrow so I can stay up late tonight so meh!

Today wasn't a total waste either, I got to help out a good friend of mine and drove him on some errands, it was a nice change from just sitting here waiting to go to work.

lets skip the 8th, 9 is a better number

Yesterday was not a good day. I woke up too dizzy to stand and had to call out of work. Maybe its the lack of sleep that's getting to me? Maybe its a side effect? In the end it doesn't matter really, Today is the 9th day and I have an appointment at 9:30am, and you can bet your sweet ass I am going to get a new sleeping pill. I am spending way too much time awake I feel like a zombie, no energy, can't think straight, no motivation to do anything, and yet when I try to go to bed I just lay there for hours tossing and turning. After I fall asleep I usually wake up early because I am paranoid about sleeping through my alarm, so I spend a few hours taking little 5min siestas constantly waking to check the time to ensure I get up on time.

and on the seventh day

He waited till the 8th to take his next pill.....
So it seems that taking them in the morning works out a little better as it is now almost 8:30 and I am tired. Woo Hoo! Normal sleep pattern ENGAGE! (fingers crossed)



Also, I was going to work on schedules today but decided to F*%$ that penguin. My day off is my day off! I will work on the schedule tomorrow between shifts!

and on the 6th day

So today/tonight is the sixth time I should be taking my meds. I however have noticed that when I take them I still stay up till 2 or three am and them am tired around 4pm the next day. I am going to try taking them in the morning instead and hope that with the 6 hour difference in time taking the pill that I will be fine by four and get really tired by 10pm, the perfect time to be tired for me these days. So here we go, my alarm is set for 6, a glass of water is handy and tomorrow is a new day.

on the 5th

Night numero five. So here it is night number five, nothing important really to report. Today work was good for half my shift then one person opening their mouth ruined the rest of the day. As far as sleep goes, its all the same. Stay up late, wake up early repeat. Work tomorrow should be better, it's Sunday and that means a slow day!!!! With Monday off, maybe I will be able to actually get something done in the next few days.

Eve of the fourth

If you haven't already guessed it, I am using this blog to remember what day I am on as far as medication goes. In two weeks We up the dose and I don't want to miss it or do it too early. Yes I know I can just do it on a calendar and add an alarm to that date but I would rather not. This way I am also keeping track of my sleep patterns which these pills are supposed to affect for the better. As of right now, 10:39pm I am actually tired and think I might be able to sleep. My pattern lately has been to be up till 2 am sleep till 4 toss and turn till 630, lay there till 7 then give up and just get up.

Night three

Or shall I say early morning of day four? I was out at Nicks watching The IT crowd and didn't get a chance to take tonight's pill till after midnight. Oh well. I was falling asleep at his house which is a good sign but now that I had to drive home I am wide a freaking wake. Still no noticeable benefits or side effects. Maybe after a few more days something will happen.

Night Deux

So last night was uneventful. One of the side effects of Cymbalta is drowsiness and of course I didn't get that side effect. I usually am one of the lucky few who have all the bad side effects happen to me but when I need one to help me sleep, nothing. In fact I stayed up till around 2am. All in all I have gotten about 2.45 hours of sleep since Monday, though I did manage to catch a power nap this afternoon so I guess as of right now it's more like 5 hours of sleep since Monday morning. Maybe it just needs to build up in my system? Maybe tonight will be better and I will visit slumber land at a timely hour.


By the way, that's my nephew in the picture, what a little devil!

Night one

Cymbalta-night one.

Wish me luck and no side effects!

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaack

After a brief hiatus I now have internet again and am looking forward to actually doing something with it. Look forward to more pictures and other nonsense soon.

P.S. The picture above is of the waiting room in my doc's office, that damn fountain always makes me need to pee!

10%

So it seems I am one of the lucky few who get the joy of feeling the side effects from medication. My newest prescription has me totally messed up to the point I can't even take 5mg. It was so bad I had to leave work early yesterday because I couldn't stop shaking. I get nervous, paranoid, clench my teeth, and shake uncontrollably off and on for hours. So far out of the last 4 prescriptions I have had negative side effects from all of them. Just my luck my doc is on vacation and will be coming back right before my next appointment.

Night and Day

So today I started my new meds and things are looking up. I feel completely different, most if not all of the side effects are gone, I don't feel any sense of dread or paranoia. I feel like an actual person. I had a great visit to the dentist where the fixed my chipped tooth and due to my insurance over paying it cost me nothing! Stopped by Target on the way home and picked up three pairs of pants and a new shirt for only $20. Feeling hungry I ordered coconut curry from PFChangs and got home with enough time to relax and enjoy it while watching TV before I have to go into work.

.

A moment of clarity
amidst all of this
and all I can think is
Why?

Fear

So it's been a while since I posted something and things feel like they are spiraling out of control. I just left a message for my doctor to please change my medication as this one seems to do nothing but give me the negative side effects, my back constantly tingles like my skin has fallen asleep, my vision blurs from time to time, I am always slightly congested, my hands shake, my jaw clenches constantly and for the last two weeks I have been living in a constant state of fear. It took me a while to figure out the fear thing. It started with a metallic taste in my mouth, then my stomach got knotted, and now even the slightest things make my jump like a little girl. I constantly feel like I have to throw up and every time I hear voices outside I assume that they are talking about me. I spend most of my free time in my room watching hulu because I can't really do anything else.

Bless my doctor, before I even got time to finish this post she called me back and right now is on the phone with my pharmacy getting a new prescription filled and I can start it tomorrow.

Fair

It wouldn't be fair for me to only talk about the good on here and not the bad. What is life without both anyways? It seems that over the course of the last week and a half my body is getting used to my current dosage and life is returning to what it was. I am back to being afraid to answer the phone and have resorted back to text messaging only. I don't want to go anywhere unless it's work and would rather sit in my room searching for distraction. Old thoughts are resurfacing and I am beginning to doubt myself again. I am obsessing about my weight and getting rid of clothes that are too small on me and I think make me look big. I know I need to call my doctor and see if she can see me sooner, part of my doesn't care anymore and thinks that I will always be like this. I will give it a few more days to see if I am just in a slump. If things haven't improved by next Tuesday I will give her a call. I just wanted the people out there who read this to know.


It also doesn't help that last night's dream was so vivid, and in it I talked to everyone I needed to and explained everything and they supported and understood. When I woke up and realized nothing had changed and it was all just a silly little dream I wanted to cry.

Excitement

I just realized I could completely pay off my credit card and still have $1000 in the bank!!!!!!

It feels so good to be so close to freedom.

Atlanta

The only Atlanta Ga, I got to see was the inside of the airport where I ordered this beauty. A tall double Vodka tonic. My wallet is shown for comparison, and no I did not ask for it in the beer mug, that's just how they roll in Atlanta.

Cyclops

More news

I actually hung out with my brother the other day! For hours we sat by the pool and talked about movies music and people. It wasn't weird or strange or uncomfortable. and yesterday I had dinner with Tobin and Rachel and again held a long conversation with both of them. this may seem like a strange thing to be excited about but for me its a huge thing. I can't remember the last time I felt OK enough to talk to another person about anything for an extended period of time. I usually feel panicky and awkward and have to leave or get wasted if I want to stay. Also, I am making more phone calls rather than txting. I am not afraid to aswer the phone either, my heart doesn't race at the sound of my ringer. Another step in the right direction if you ask me.

bringing smiles to the masses

Here are three recent picture messages that I sent out that made my friends laugh. I thought I would share them here as I still get a kick out of them.





I have no idea other than "Aaaarrrggg mateys eat your citrus lest you get thaarr scurvy!"




Julie responded that she was eating a kiwi so I said:

Arg as you should. scurvy took most of me crew. i'd hate to lose me mate cause she hated vitamin c!





I don't remember what Alex said but this was my response to him:

naarr. scurvy is the slow death. you not want to be at sea when it starts. tis a bad way to go indeed.

flashback

I can't remember where I found this, Diviantart I think. I just thought some of you might dig it.

If going to the psychiatrist was a test. . . .

I would pass with an A+

Just got back from my recent appointment and I am doing so well on such a low dose that I don't have to see her again for two months! Hells to the yeah!

On top of that good news I found $5.00 in my back pocket.

update in your face

So, it's been a while since my last post. A little over a month in fact. Things now seem much batter than they have been in a long time. The pills seem to be working as I am smiling more. Little things don't upset me like they used to. I can eat without worrying if these veggies are going to go straight to my gut, and I am only buying one set of clothing items, not the usual two. The thought of hanging out with people still agitates me a little but nowhere near what it used to. I have all these ideas of things to do, art to make etc. I feel like I am starting to get my life back and that excites me and as I type this I can't help to not smile a little. I want to thank all of my friends for sticking by me through this all, I couldn't have done it without you, seriously. Thank you and I hopefully will see you soon.

Bfday

Today is my birthday. That's right the anniversary of my entrance into this world.
I have gotten so many txt messages from my friends that my phone almost died and is currently resting on the charger, gearing up for the night ahead. In about half an hour I am to meet up with them at the Hood. I am so anxious I feel sick. I know I should be happy and excited but my nerves are shot. I don't know why or what to do about it. I am not comfortable no matter how many times I change my clothes. Nothing fits right, nothing feels right. I want to go, I want to have fun but this feeling in my gut and the shaking of my hands makes it hard to get ready. Hard to take those first steps out the door. I have hung out with these people more times than I can count and trust them with my life but I can't even make it to the front door.

not likely

the words
these things
these important things that I want to tell you
want to divulge to you
but can't
never ever

so many things have been confused
so many
so many things that
so many things that from the beginning of this evening to the end
sentences meant for you and only you have been convoluted
convoluted and confused
mixed in and lost
lost in the lyrics
of this popular song
never to be heard again
instead these sugar coated phrases grace your ears
any you enjoy what's being sung,
without ever knowing what has been sacrificed for it.

I f*ing love this song

My birth

so, for anyone following this rant
Kerry and I are planing something
something that involves costumes
and music

I hope those invited can come
can participate
without prejudice
and enjoy themselves
as I would like to enjoy myself
and hope you would enjoy yourselves too!

social

lately, i have been much more socially anxious than ever before
I am afraid to hang out
to talk to
to converse with
the people I have known for years
I am not sure why this is
and I don't know what to say
so then I focus on that
and never come to a reasonable conclusion
as to why so I don't do anything
so instead I sit at home
and try and make it till the next day

7th

Today marks the seventh day
the seventh pill
tomorrow I get bumped up to 20mg.
one week down
several left to go

Goodbye

Oh alcohol, you've burned me for the last time.

Sing

Sing
that song
the one you didn't think I was aware of.

Cruel

I can be Cruel, I don't know why. . . . . . .

the grass

Is truly greener on the other side of the globe.

Coffee

Woah, too much.

I have a 5 cup brewing pot.

I don't have a way of measuring out enough for less than 5 cups and I don't like being wasteful so naturally I have to drink all 5 cups. Not a good idea. That shite made me jittery and slightly sick. next time, less coffee less water. I need to figure out the coffee to water ratio for 2 to 3 cups. Just enough to get me awake and fully functional, not crazy and hyper.

On the lighter side, the new Yeasayer is perfect for slightly hyper.

give it a whirl

Try GeneCo's day and nighttime forms of Zydrate

Follow up

The pill only knocked me out for about 6 hours. No strange dreams, no inappropriate reactions downtown, nothing but 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Don't feel any better though, I eneded up partially sleeping for another 5 hours and now having over slept I feel sleepy all over again. I think its time I brewed a fresh pot of joe took a shower and got on with my day.

Sleep

So tonight I decided I would bite the bullet and try my new sleep med; Trazodone. I have been apprehensive of taking it as one possible side effect is prolonged inappropriate excitement in my undercarriage . Now you may think how could that be a bad thing? Well it's a bad thing when you have to be taken to the hospital and have it drained and it possibly causes you to become impotent. Now with these kind of side effects why would anyone even want to think about taking one. I thought I would give it a shot because my doctor said the chance of it happening is very very small. She has hundreds of male patients and none of them have ever had that kind of reaction. I figure my luck can't be so bad that it happens to me.

(as I am writing this I can feel it kick in and it's getting harder to remember words or what I was going to say)

((spell check makes this blog seem like I know how to))

Day three, I'll be your Huckleberry......

Nothing new here, I have been told it takes 4 to 8 weeks for me to start feeling different. I don't know if its healthy to keep track of things this way but I want to for something to do. I have a little pocket calendar/journal that I am going to start using while I am at work.

day two

today is day number two of me taking my new medication. . . . . . Prozac.

in 8 to twelve weeks i should feel different. I should feel normal, that is if it is working.

I have always been somewhat self aware, more so recently. though, others may not understand, may not get how I am feeling, things are different now. Part of me feels alone. part of me feels connected to some. I feel over analytical of things I do or say. every emotion and action is under personal scrutiny. I am sorry if you don't get it, I can't make you get it, I can't make you understand the things I am thinking, the worries I have, the apprehensions I feel. I have said and done things recently that I wish others could understand and know weren't personal.

I want to be like you, to be free to enjoy things, life, and such. I truly don't know how, and now I know that it may not be entirely my fault.

I have been fighting for years, trying to fool myself that I can do the things you do, enjoy the things you enjoy, feel the things you feel.

Only to be let down and to let you down time and time again.

Honestly part of me wants to tell you all to fuck off and leave me alone to wallow in self pity.

Part of me wants to let you know that someday I want to value myself and I want to be whole.

I don't know how to explain it to those that have known me for a while. things have changed in how I think, and how I react to things. I cannot say when it happened for sure. It was so subtle to me, a douchy comment here, an asinine comment there, and here we are. Or maybe I have always been like this and just never realized it myself. Maybe I haven't changed at all.

All I want is to be like you.

ART ATTACK

Best Wallpaper of 09

I cannot remember where I found this little gem but it has been my background for the last year or so. The file I have is a thousand times larger but it takes too long to load up on here.

ENJOY!

Ode to Jessalea

I saw this the other day, its a bird, a dead one, embedded in the grill of a car I parked in front of. I was reminded of Jessalea's post about a pigeon, and thought "What a way to start a day. . . . ."

work in progress

I have been taking a poll, which one do you like the best? So far most everyone likes the one on the left.

Paeter

Let me tell you a story about a little leprechaun named Paeter. Now Paeter was a young leprechaun still inexperienced in little leprechaun ways. He was also not quite as lucky as the other leprechauns, mind you he was still a thousand times luckier than you or I, but for a leprechaun he was a little low on his luck. It just so happens that one day, the day after his 58th birthday that his luck ran out for good. Now in case you didn't know, on a leprechauns birthday their luck increases ten fold, anything is possible, flight, double rainbows, super speed pretty much whatever a leprechaun dreams up has a way of happening, however, the day after ones birthday their luck decreases ten fold to make up for the day before. Most leprechauns are very, very careful the day after, most call out for work, stay home in bed, trying not to move even an inch out of place. The most that ever happens to these careful cautious little fellas is a few bruises and maybe a bad headache. If only Paeter had remembered this fact and stayed home on the 21,171 st day of his life he would still be ok and this story would not have to be told. As it was with any seemingly regular day, Paeter woke up early had a simple breakfast of mushrooms and dewdrops and headed off to work, a storm had blown through his sleepy valley that morning and there were rainbows that needed maintenance. All was going well till Paeter, at the top of a particularly large rainbow, neglected to properly tie his little shoe laces and tripped over them, sending him flying off the side. Paeter plummeted to what he thought would be his untimely demise, spinning end over end for what seemed like an eternity he realized what day it was and where he had made his mistake. Accepting death as punishment for his folly he spread his arms wide, closed his eyes and waited for the end. Oh but if only it had been that easy, if only he had remembered its not that easy to kill a leprechaun, everyone knows there are only three true ways to kill one and falling is not one of them. Not thinking of this Paeter smacked into the ground with a loud thud, bounced once and came to rest a broken and bloodied mess. The pain was blinding and only started to subside once he started to regenerate, Oh Happy Day, he thought, I am not dead, in a few hours I will be well enough to walk home. If only that were true little Paeter, how I wish that were true. You see since Paeter had landed face down he had no use of his eyes, and his eardrums were ruptured, these things together made it impossible for little Paeter to know he had landed smack dab in the middle of a busy interstate that ran through his valley. It was only a few seconds before the first car speeding down the highway plowed over little Paeter, flattening him out a little more, causing more damage for his little body to try and regenerate. As his luck would have it, this interstate was one of the busiest in the state and as long as there was traffic, which there always was, little Paeter would never be able to get well enough to get out of harms way. So there he is, to this day, all day and night for the last 150 years little bits of him being ground into the roads surface. Now at some point in the past they resurfaced the road and unknowingly locked his little body parts between layers of tar and asphalt, forever locked in a hellish type of suspended animation. Aware of the pain he is in, and knowing there is nothing he can do about it. So the next time you are driving down the freeway, and you notice an uncharacteristically nice patch of clovers growing wild by the side of the road, say a silent prayer to Paeter, who's body you surely just ran over reminding him of the agony he is in.




(This story came to me today while I lay half asleep in my boss's car on the 10 coming home from a company meeting)

Bordom + Sharpie = fun

Dear Lady Gaga, I love you.

Several months ago as a joke Paparazzi was posted onto Sky's blog. We watched the video and thought we knew what we were talking about when we said it was crap, apparently we couldn't appreciate her music back then, so she sat, at the back of our minds, the music somewhere hidden in our subconscious, waiting, patiently so, until we gave her another chance and in that instance we were hooked, addicted actually.

As of January I have been listening to The Fame non stop to and from work for the last 4 months.

Today I put The Fame Monster on iTunes and plan on rocking that shit all day.

I am not ashamed to say that I love Lady Gaga, there I said it. I love that ho! Deal with it!


Special thanks goes out to a picklesmooching acquaintance for her contribution.

Last night I had a dream within a dream

There was a party at what seemed to be the Ace merged with my apartment. Everyone was there including my old landlord and redneck neighbors. At one point everyone had to clear the pool area as giant spiders in Scottish attire playing bagpipes came out from under the stairs. Some of us retired to my room and slept on one of the 8 beds that magically fit in there. That's where I fell asleep in the dream and dreamed that I called Jessica and left her a panicked message about mannequins trying to take all the appliances out of the garage. She tried to call back but I couldn't remember how to answer my phone because I has somehow set it to camouflage mode and it kept turning invisible when I tried to open it. After several futile attempts to answer it the sound of a car door slamming woke me up and I found myself alone in my room, all the extra people and beds were now gone. I got up and found Jessalea asleep on the couch just outside. I woke her up and tried to find everyone else but the pool area just outside my door was now like MC Escher's Relativity and though I could see where people were I couldn't quite figure out how to get to them. A phone started ringing in the distance and I couldn't remember if it was my phone and that I had indeed called Jessica or if I dreamed it. As I zeroed in on the sound I walked through a sliding glass door set vertically in the wall and ended up at work facing a wall of dark green and burgundy colored plush (mostly unicorns, trolls and trees) and I knew I was supposed to organize it in some way other than how it was. This turned out to be very difficult because for every one I moved two would fall off and a shelf would break or move itself to another wall. The only noise was a soft jazz that was being played way to loudly and alternating overhead pages, Mikael paging me to the desert palace and Nick asking me to please return his headache. In the middle of all of this Jessica Heather and Sky showed up with wooden steaks and machetes because they wanted to help defend my garage from the imminent attack of mannequins. I told them not to be so silly that was just a dream I had and I had no idea how they even found out. They insisted that I come with them and see that the mannequin threat was real and if I wanted to use any appliance ever again I must arm myself and come with them. When I turned around to try and explain that it was all a misunderstanding I realized that I was now standing alone out by the moonlit pool.
I think it was the sudden calm and silence that woke me up from all this. And yes, the first thing I did when I woke up was check my phone.

There it is

A year in a nutshell, hope you have enjoyed.

December

November